miscarriage bleeding

 


Miscarriage: How to overcome the loss of a baby



Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy



Psychologist and psychotherapist

Carmen just lost the baby she expected. It is the second time she has an abortion, she is 35 years old and for three years she and her husband have tried to have children.

After a year and a half trying to get pregnant, the couple had fertility tests that revealed some problems in his sperm. They entered the waiting list for in vitro fertilization treatment but before their turn came, Carmen became pregnant naturally. I did not expect it, I was happy and excited. The happiness lasted 8 weeks, until through an ultrasound he knew that the heart of his baby had stopped beating.

When he found out he felt frustration and anger, "why me?" He wondered like so many other women in his situation. "I was angry at my body because I had not been able to do the work I had to do to make the baby survive." This feeling is also very common among women who have a miscarriage.

Some feel betrayed by their body while others go further and experience guilt: "If that day had not gone to ride a bicycle, if I had not taken that box ...". Always that "and if ..." Carmen had the support of her husband, however this is not always the case.

There are women who have the misfortune that their partners feed this feeling of guilt or even induce it: "If you had not ... If you had listened to me ... If you had been more prudent ...". They also suffer, that is obvious and understandable, but blaming his wife for the loss of the baby is a cruelty that will only bring more suffering.

At the moment in which a woman is aware that she is pregnant, all responsibility for care in relation to pregnancy falls on her. That is why it is very important to know how to differentiate between responsibility and guilt. Responsibility is the conscious act of taking care of yourself, feeding yourself properly and following the doctor's guidelines. And this not only has to do with the good course of gestation, but it is a period of psychological preparation for motherhood. Well, motherhood will demand resignations and the incorporation of a new lifestyle in which the protagonist will be the baby and their well-being.

Guilt has nothing to do with responsibility. It is an emotion linked to a moral context, with negative connotations.

It is also important to distinguish between self-induced guilt and that which comes from the messages of the environment, either the couple or other relatives, such as parents or in-laws. Self-induced guilt is a defense mechanism, an attempt by the woman to regain control of her life and emotions. According to the Spanish Society of Gynecology and Obstetrics, about 20% of pregnancies will not come to fruition and in the vast majority of cases this circumstance has nothing to do with negligent behavior of women. Therefore, self-induced guilt is a mechanism to regain control, "if it was my fault, then I can control that it does not happen again in the future". This feeling is normal and we should allow the woman to express it, but always giving her back that it was not her fault, that she did not do anything wrong.

The guilt induced by third parties is psychological abuse that will hinder the process of grief that every woman has to do after losing a baby and that puts their mental health at risk, leading to depressive states.

Another common emotion in women who suffer from miscarriages is envy. They often find it difficult to be happy about pregnancies and / or births that occur in their environment. This feeling is absolutely normal and transient. To their suffering is added the fear of being a bad person for feeling what they feel, and again some may receive reprimands when they express their emotions that are absolutely legitimate in that situation.



The role of the couple and the environment to overcome the pain of losing a baby is essential. The couple must be more united than ever. In fact, the frustrated attempt to have children is a condition that can deteriorate the relationship and even lead to a breakup. It is important that both express their feelings and be able to cry and / or get angry together. Mutual support is essential.

Another mistake that the spouse can make is to act as if nothing had happened. To remove iron to the subject is to delegitimize all the accumulation of emotions that a woman experiences before the loss of the baby that waited. Some men avoid talking about the issue and, in their well-intentioned attempt to encourage their partner, focus on the next pregnancy. Many women feel lonely because they can not talk to their partner about their suffering.

As in all grief, the woman needs a time to take on the loss. This time will be different in each person and it is important to respect it.

There are several factors that influence the process. For example, the situation is different for a woman who already has children than in a first-time mother. It is not that the pain of women who have already been mothers is less, but that they have had the experience of having been able to carry out a pregnancy. On the contrary, in the case of women who have not had children, anxiety and fear that the experience is repeated, and unable to achieve their dream of being mothers, complicate the process.

Andrea was 20 weeks pregnant when she lost her baby. Despite knowing that the fetus would not be viable, she had to stay in the maternity unit for several days until the moment of delivery arrived. It was a long and painful delivery. Your case is rare, because after the first 12 weeks, the risk of miscarriage decreases significantly.

Remember the suffering that meant listening to the crying of newborns and the joy of the rest of the women who gave birth to healthy babies while she waited for a delivery without a happy ending.

Six months later, Andrea got pregnant again. Although her doctor had told her that there was no circumstance that made her think that she could lose the baby again, she was scared. "I was very scared, I was all pregnant at home, I was afraid to go out, the doctor told me I could do things but I did not want [...]; I did not buy anything until week 35. " Andrea gave birth to a healthy child and later became pregnant again. On this occasion he did not have the same fear, he had the experience of having brought a pregnancy to fruition. She made a normal life and gave birth to a healthy girl.

Finally, I would like to thank all the women who have shared with me the painful experience of losing a baby. They are the protagonists of this article that I hope will be useful for those who have passed or have to go through the same situation.

To reflect:

    Miscarriage is a painful experience that, like any loss, involves a grieving process. The duration and intensity of it will be different in each woman.
    Some of the most common feelings after losing a baby are frustration, anger, guilt, envy and sadness. They are normal feelings and it is important to be able to express them and share them with our loved ones.
    The couple will play a fundamental role, facilitating or hindering the grieving process.
    When the process of grief is entrenched or we can not express our feelings safely in our environment, it is advisable to consult a professional.
    Women who suffer a miscarriage and have not had children before tend to suffer more stress in subsequent pregnancies than those who have already been mothers.